Being the Handbook for Hosts companion quiz to “How Attractive are You to Men?”
First things first.
You can click for a larger image, but what I want to point out first is the illustration chosen to accompany this quiz.
Please compare it with the illustration accompanying the quiz for women.
The woman is a hideous hag, while the man is impeccably dressed, beautifully coiffed, and rather smug-looking. This man is not unattractive. He’s kinda . . . pretty. In fact, it’s not at all a stretch to call this 2-D man “effeminate.” I’d argue that this is exactly what Esquire was going for. So what we’re working with here is the following analogy:
unattractive woman : disgusting :: unattractive man : feminine
(You might argue that I have this wrong, and substitute presumed or stereotypical sexual preference in place of “feminine,” and then further argue that Esquire got it wrong, because the analogy they meant is “unattractive woman : masculine/lesbian :: unattractive man : feminine/gay.” While I wouldn’t argue against the notion that Esquire’s illustrator was thinking “this is what gay looks like,” in the 1940s lesbians wouldn’t have even been on the radar.)
I just wanted to make sure you spotted this, because it’s one of the most telling aspects of the book and the time in which it was published. Onward.
The first question, “Do you use the continental approach, based on the belief that an immediate pass flatters a woman?” makes me laugh because it reminds me of one of my favorite Christopher Walken SNL sketches, “The Continental.” I couldn’t find the best one, but Hulu has an oldish one:
I never knew that “continental” was a real thing.
Do you show your real fondness for a girl by telling her about her bad points and advising her how to improve them? This again is an error. If you must tell her you hate her perfume or how she does her fair, wrap it up in heavy sugar coating.
This seems to contradict that unbelievably stupid rule from The Game, which advises douches-in-training to insult the girl they want to pick up, but by the end Esquire doesn’t appear to have a problem with correcting women on personal grooming matters. (Because you want your arm candy to look and smell the way you want, and the added bonus here is that your continued critiques will chip away at whatever self-esteem your arm candy might have had.)
Do you make distinctions between the jokes you’d tell a man in the club shower and those you’d tell a girl in a parked automobile? Almost no women like bathroom jokes or jokes with dirty words.
FALSE.
(And just in case you weren’t clear before on which class this is aimed at, “club shower” is a unambiguous hint.)
Do you plan your evenings with a woman ahead of time or leave the choice of amusement up to her? It’s much more flattering for a man to announce the evening’s program, showing he has given thought to her amusement.
TRUE.
I mean, I’m up for the spontaneous date just as much as the next person, but there’s a difference between hanging out on a Saturday afternoon, having a lightbulb moment and making plans for an adventure on the spot, and scheduling a date to get together and then saying “So, what do you want to do?” No. Just: no.
Do you believe it necessary in the modern ago to push in a girl’s chair for her and to light her cigarettes? These small courtesies mean a lot to a girl.
Because the war is over and now this is ALL THEY HAVE. Ha ha ha ha ha *sob*
(Seriously, though, when I was a smoker, I loved it when someone else lit my cigarette. There were a couple nonsmokers I dated who would grab my own lighter just to light my cigarette. It made me feel like I was in an old-time movie. Totally hot.)
This one’s my favorite:
Would you dine a girl expensively and not buy her flowers, or economize on the place and bring her at least a gardenia? Most women would prefer having flowers and less to eat.
So I’m expected to starve while my apartment smells nice. Okey-doke. They better be damn good flowers.
That said, I texted this question to Stephanie because she’d already seen the book and I figured she’d find the question and answer as humorous as I did, and she responded (paraphrase): I’d rather have the flowers and a hot dog. I can’t say I disagree, and therefore it would seem as though the ideal date would include a corsage and a trip to Crif Dogs/PDT. (*COUGH*)
I’ll leave you with this:
Do you consider it a young girl’s own business whether she gets tight and is indiscreet when she’s out with you? Keep an inexperienced girl from getting tight, if you have to spank her, and don’t let any woman become indiscreet through liquor. Triumphs over drunken women don’t help any man.
I’m with you on that last part, Esquire, but as for the rest, are you kidding me? Sure, you’re at least consistent with the women’s quiz, advising ladies not to demonstrate their capacity for holding liquor lest they be thought of as “fast,” and the idea that a man must protect a woman from even herself is also consistent with the rest of the book, but SPANK? That’s a joke, right? It must be a joke.
Right?
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